when i was deciding what to do about my pregnancy i had this bad dream that my belly was a volcano full of brown sludgy lava that kept falling all over me and burning me and hurting me. it was like i was being suffocated and my life was totally ending now every time i think about being pregnant i want to cry. i really want to have kids one day, but i want it to be when i’m older and ready for it and have had a chance to finish school and build my career and do all the normal things that teenage girls get to do like gymnastics and the Spirit squad and figure skating and you can’t do those things when you have a big fat belly full of baby. i want to have a cool career in fashion and get to go to europe and drink coffee and wear cool clothes and grow up to be...i dunno but it's not a 14 year old single mom that's for sure. then you have to think about the baby!! it's SOOO not fair to try to raise a child you can't really take care of properly so...
what happened was a big, big mistake. it was so awful that this all happened after my very first time too! it’s like i have the absolute worst luck in the entire world!
i was soooo scared and every option i thought of, from having the baby to giving it away for adoption to having an abortion was scary because just even being pregnant was scary you have NO idea how scared i really was. my mom turned out to be way cooler through this than i ever thought she would be though and i am still surprised and relieved that she helped me and didn’t send me away. she sure wasn't happy about it though. we hardly even talked about it once it was over. emma has been an amazing true friend and talking to her mom really helped me figure out what to do. so in the end, even though the decision was totally brutal, I ended up having an abortion. i guess i thought a lot about having the baby with craig because it was like, what HE wanted to do, you know? it was kind of surprising, because other guys might have just freaked out and kept their distance, but he wanted to be a family. but that’s not what i wanted so i had to tell him that it wasn’t going to happen and i felt sooooo sad for him because i know he is disappointed. someday he’ll be a dad though just like someday i’ll be a mom. just not right now when i just so couldn’t deal.
And then poor Craig...
I guess it just totally blew me away when Manny told me she was pregnant and I was like, ok, yeah, I can be a dad, but as soon as I said that suddenly everyone started getting on my case about it.
Spinner pretty much told me I was ruining my future and Ashley, well I don’t really want to go there, but she was freaking. She didn’t lose it on me or anything, but it was obvious she was upset and p***** off and super negative about the whole thing. Those disapproving looks of hers are going to kill someone one of these days. Doesn’t look like she’s ever gonna do understanding or reasonable for me again, just judgmental and snotty. Maybe it was the tip of that iceberg that made me wanna hook up with Manny in the first place, cause she just had a way different vibe. I guess it’s hard for other people to get where I’m at. When I found out Manny was pregnant I was so happy. Sure, I have Ange and Joey and that’s totally cool, but I don’t have a mom or a dad. This is goona sound totally twisted, but maybe I figured if I could be a dad myself then...ah forget it. Too late now...
I thought Manny and me had things worked out, so when Manny said she was getting an abortion it was like someone drop-kicked me in the chest. Emma said it’s her body, her decision and I didn’t know what to say...I'm just standing there thinking WHAT ABOUT ME?? I had something - a LOT - to do with what happened and suddenly it's all up to Manny to decide what she wants to do? We BOTH screwed up the whole birth control thing but it's just fine for her to decide to do whatever she wants because she can't deal? Oh man...
I’m not against abortion in general, but it’s easier to think of it hypothetically than after you start thinking it’s not only a kid, but it’s your kid. Maybe it's ok for some people...but not for me right now. The worst thing is that there's nothing I can even do about it any more. It's over and done with.
Like I needed another bad thing to write a song about. As if things could suck any harder than this.
What does Ashley think about all this...
For the record, Craig makes me sick. I can’t believe I ever dated him, for one, and for two, I can’t believe I fell for so many of his lies when we were going out.
I had no idea he was seeing Manny until I discovered he bought Christmas presents for her as well as me. What, did he think he could two-time both of us and get away with it? Was he too much of a coward to break up with either of us?
And then he slept with her!!!!!
And not only that, he didn’t even bother to use protection and got her pregnant!! He is SUCH an idiot. I mean, don’t the two of them know anything about anything?
You can be sure I’d never let something like that happen to me. I can’t even really see myself ever being a mom because there’s just so much else to do in the world! And I must say that even though I thought I cared about Craig a lot when we were dating, now that I think of it, it probably never would have lasted. Once we go to university we’ll meet other people and I’ll probably end up with someone who is more reliable than Craig, who is mostly just into his music these days.
Obviously if he can’t figure out how to have a proper relationship with someone without lying and being two-faced about everything then he’s certainly not ready to be a dad. As if he’d take on the kind of responsibility you’d need to be a father! He’s not responsible or thoughtful or grown up in the very slightest. In fact he just doesn’t know what he’s doing and just winds up going around hurting everyone around him. He might as well be made out of barbed wire.
If any girl were to come up to me and ask me if they should go out with Craig I would say NO WAY! Girlfriend, run far far away from that boy, fast as you can in the other direction. That boy is big trouble. Craig is the plague.
And finally, Emma just wants to save the world...
What would have (never) happened
I can't believe I'm even thinking this, but I totally support Manny's’s decision to not have a baby, because that choice is up to her. It's hard for me because if my mom had decided not to have me when she was 14, I just never would have existed.
When Manny first told me she was going to have an abortion, I guess I was pretty shocked because I sort of assumed after talking to my mom she would have made the same decision as my mom did, but then I realized that everyone’s different and wants different things out of life. My mom could have made a different decision too. Instead of having me, she would have finished high school in a normal way, just like I'm going to, and would have gone on to follow her dreams. She might have traveled around the world. She might have gone to college or university. She might have had a different career of some kind. She might have moved to another city and might never have gotten together with Snake. So Jack might never have been born either! My mom would have been a completely different person, but she must have told be she never would have changed a thing a zillion times.
The whole thing makes me want to make a difference in the world (because I was given a chance that lots of teenage parents' kids never get). I think that’s pretty important. I'm buying my mom flowers on the way home from school.
There you go. I want to see!!! I'll settle for a good recap...